When you are not with me..

Not able to be with someone you love, is the worst feeling in life.

I have the time, energy and money, but the person I want to be with is not there. Nothing can replace that void. You had sent me away once. But I saw you, heard you and touched you through the random scribbling  on a blue inland letter card. I have gone through many losses in my life. I have lost money, friendships, opportunities, but the love I have lost from you will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Over a time, I realized the hard truth that you can't be with me all the time.  I got busy with my day-to-day life, trying to forget you. I thought I have came far from the feeling of loneliness.  I kept saying in my mind that we both have other priorities in life and moreover I have a family of my own to consider. Nah, you are not that important to me.  It was working until now. The Alchemist has said  that  when you want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it.  It's quite the opposite that is happening to me.  I hate you, Alchemist!

From the day you have agreed to come I was so happy and feeling excited about the thought that you were coming to meet me finally. I was eagerly looking forward to it. Circumstances changed again, and all the universe conspired against me from getting what I want . I can not even blame anybody. I fear that you won't be able to come as promised.

During the times we were together, I never told you how much I loved you. Admitting the  love I have for you is considered a weakness and I did not want to admit I am weak. Even when I see you now , I wanted to tell you  how much I care for you, but I am incapable of saying so when you come in front of me. All I can do is just look at you and smile,  laugh with you when you laugh, console you when you cry or even mad at you for your silly nonsense at times.

Even though I don't say or admit it often, I say it in my heart every other minute , that how much I love you and  how much I want to be with you...my Mother..
I Love you .

-R.