June 18/2015

Its a routine we follow from the time my daughter started to sleep  by herself in her own  room. I read her two or three stories or poems , have some silly talks and recite our daily prayers . Then I will stay with her until she dozes off to sleep. We open up more closely during these routine exercise. We make silly faces, laugh at silly jokes and more often its a trigger for Samyuktha to share her fears and feelings to me .I treasure each and every moment of this time . At times these silly nothings really make sense and have much deeper meaning if you think that way.

If I do not write it down ,I will forget them. I want to look back at the memories and cherish each and every moment I spent with her . These might be little things. But,  "One day you will look back and realize they were the big things "


Bedtime Talks with Samyu #1
Another bedtime small talk with my daughter.
Samyu : "Mom, do we loose our sensitivity when we grow up?"
Me: "no, we don't..why did u ask?"
Samyu : " it was raining during the day, and the high schoolers were still playing football in the(school) ground . don't they know they are getting wet?"
Me: " Its not that their sense organs stop working ( she is currently learning about sense organs in class). May be they love the game they were playing so much that they don't care if its raining or not "
Samyu: "oh,OK,we friends were thinking they might have lost the sense to feel the rain"..chuckle..

These kind of small talks keeps me thinking (as always..)
In a sense, it is right..we grown ups at times lose the ability to be sensitive.. we are so busy prioritizing and planning our own lives that at times we become insensitive to others feelings. Or we pretend that we don't know..we don't want to know whether our words have hurt somebody, we don't want to know whether our (in)actions causing stress to somebody, we don't want to have a meaningful conversation ..everything is good as is. Why invite trouble? I am not generalizing, but some people just love to live in a fool's paradise !

-R.

June11/2015

Today I witnessed a heated argument /dispute between two ppl. I was not connected to any of them and it was not my concern ,and I went back to the book I was reading. However I couldn't help overhear them since the exchange was quite loud. The person who started the argument began in the highest pitch, being so rash and unreasonable to the other person. The other person equally firm but not aggressive, was explaining her own points. After the initial two minutes, there came a moment of realisation for him (yeah,we all know that exact feeling when we realise we r incorrect) that it was not going in his favour and he was in a fix , now that there were no comebacks other than total surrender. He started to mumble ,made some feeble attempts to prove he is right but in vein, with each sentence contradicting the previous one. I feared whether he will now start crying or not.. Finally he said, "see, kids sometimes fight with their parents, please consider this like that.I don't have anything against you. Actually the fault is with the process ..." I couldn't control my laugh and hastlty left the scene.
Lesson learnt:
If you happen to be in a situation where an argument is inevitable , don't start in a highest pitch. Start in the middle..Get the facts right and you see if your side of the story is worth arguing.
If you are right, you will have an edge, if you are incorrect , atleast you can make a decent retract.

PS: Few may ask, why dont we refrain from an argument itself . To them: True, but having a difference of opinion is common, we are all human,the rational bigger brain species that also has the capability to behave quite irrationally at times.

-R.

Back to blogger after a break..

Back to my blogspot after almost an year!
I haven't put my thoughts on the blogger these days , mostly due to my laziness to login to blogger and type. Facebook status updates seemed to be an easy task. But the issue is that its difficult to read them back and so  would like to put all my thoughts back to blogger. Lots of copy ,pastes to do (from FB status updates )
:-)
Happy blogging..again..

-R.

All in a night's work!

A thousand things to do before I go to bed tonight. A thousand may be an exaggeration,may be  a hundred..if not , quite a few.

My daughter usually gets up hungry if she goes to bed without having food. But her dad, on the contrary won't even turn in bed, not because he is not hungry, but just because of the sheer laziness to get up and walk to the dining table. They say marriage is just another fancy word for adopting an over grown male child who can not be handled by his parents any more ..Well anyway, I made dinner, fed my 5 year old daughter and then fed my 37 year old son and sent them both to bed. Today it is dad's duty to make her sleep.

My home was a mess with toys, books ,play dough and what not scattered mercilessly on the floor . I started cleaning the room, but then I had to stop. Because my daughter woke up from her sleep and  I had to console and sent her to bed again . She was inconsolable because the person who was supposed to make her sleep, slept before she does and she refused to count her sheep.   Somehow peace was made in the form of three more bedtime stories and got settled in bed. Now I have to make my own dinner. People asked me why I am not getting plump in spite of staying home without a day job. Yeah, the simple secret is eating less.. by this time I won't have the energy or desire to eat more than a cup of rice!

I started preparing for my job interviews to prove myself capable of doing the job. The interviewers are not going to ask how many lunch boxes I pack everyday . It would have been easy if they ask what is the best possible method to pack lunch boxes or how do you prioritize the resources (in kitchen) or whether you go for a reactive approach or proactive approach to resolve conflicts such as  your kid not wanting to brush teeth before going to bed . Since that is seldom the case, I am relying on the '100 frequently asked job interview questions for the experienced' .

It suddenly started to rain and I ran to the balcony but the clothes started to get wet anyway so I dropped the plan of taking them from the hanging line.What the heck, let them soak in the rain for the full night, I have all day tomorrow to deal with the wet clothes. It continued to pour and I tried to concentrate on my interview materials. But I couldn't even reach the tenth question.. my mind started to wander.Well, I won't be able to clean up the entire house in one night, I won't be able to finish up my 100 interview questions before the day breaks tomorrow, I will anyway have to get up and pack lunch for my kid tomorrow.. I am alone now and  without any disturbances. I have got an entire night with me to reflect upon..I let myself loose and wandered through my thoughts.  My eyes are tired and so are my hands. Nevertheless  I am awake ,because it is still raining outside.

-R.

The Loop

Sometimes we get into a loop and however we tried we are just unable to break free ...

I am looping in fatigue, sickness, medicines, zero appetite, lack of interest to anything, worries abt my health, sleeping, lack of sleep and Candy crush ! 

I don't seem to find out a way to break free...

People who know me are wondering about what had happened to me!

I am wondering and feels funny that even in the times of modern medicines, the Dr do not seems to have any remedy for my prolonged nasal block  and cough other than prescribing plain steam inhalation twice daily..oh and the advise- "you just think that it will get better, then u feel the difference. If you think this will never go away,then it won't " buhahhah....

My Dad asked me " what were you expecting  from him then, a 4th course of antibiotics? To me he sounded reasonable that he didn't put u again under medication" ...well after much thought I have decided to accept the facts..yeah..bad things happen to good people ;-) right???

This is it...If I go on like this, I will lose myself soon..and I still love the old me in myself...so hang in there dear...

I should feel happy that I am not in Ghasa..

I should feel happy that my dear ones were not there in MH17

I should feel happy that my daughter has at last, courageously taken the decision to make her own friends gang ,to which membership is limited only to those being nice to her and outcast anybody being mean to her...

what a simple logic. I should learn from her it seems...

It's time to outcast anything that is not being nice to me..

It's time for me to bite those little gooseberries again and savor the sweet sourness by gulping a glass of cold water...

And yeah! I slapped and killed that mosquito that was disturbing me for sometime...

My Journey

From the gentle rocking and soothing darkness ,

A life was born from the womb, fragile and helpless.

I breathed, cried my lungs out and it was the beginning.  

The journey thus started , the roads  difficult. 

But I kept walking and stretched so far.

Where have  I reached? Nowhere , I am still stranded.

What have I gained? Nothing but sardonic barbs.

What have I lost? Many things that I held close to my heart.

What is remaining? Just Me, The silly , pathetic Me ..

Still I  kept walking , the hope is guiding my soul.

Take me , and be my companion in my ups and downs.

Or leave me , and set off to conquer your own heights.

But  please don't walk beside me to hurt me, laugh at me
Or to point out that I am a loser..

-R.

When you are not with me..

Not able to be with someone you love, is the worst feeling in life.

I have the time, energy and money, but the person I want to be with is not there. Nothing can replace that void. You had sent me away once. But I saw you, heard you and touched you through the random scribbling  on a blue inland letter card. I have gone through many losses in my life. I have lost money, friendships, opportunities, but the love I have lost from you will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Over a time, I realized the hard truth that you can't be with me all the time.  I got busy with my day-to-day life, trying to forget you. I thought I have came far from the feeling of loneliness.  I kept saying in my mind that we both have other priorities in life and moreover I have a family of my own to consider. Nah, you are not that important to me.  It was working until now. The Alchemist has said  that  when you want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it.  It's quite the opposite that is happening to me.  I hate you, Alchemist!

From the day you have agreed to come I was so happy and feeling excited about the thought that you were coming to meet me finally. I was eagerly looking forward to it. Circumstances changed again, and all the universe conspired against me from getting what I want . I can not even blame anybody. I fear that you won't be able to come as promised.

During the times we were together, I never told you how much I loved you. Admitting the  love I have for you is considered a weakness and I did not want to admit I am weak. Even when I see you now , I wanted to tell you  how much I care for you, but I am incapable of saying so when you come in front of me. All I can do is just look at you and smile,  laugh with you when you laugh, console you when you cry or even mad at you for your silly nonsense at times.

Even though I don't say or admit it often, I say it in my heart every other minute , that how much I love you and  how much I want to be with you...my Mother..
I Love you .

-R.